It’s tempting to let senioritis take over. The case of senioritis I’m dealing with right now feels like … fatigue. General “concern” fatigue. With everything that I have weighing on my mind concerning my immediate, distant, and far-off futures, as well as trying to keep on top of day-to-day activities that are exhausting, it’s understandable that I’m fatigued. I’ll admit that it’s tempting to feel self-pity and sometimes I want to throw my hands up and say “fuck it”. Overall, though, I have a lot that I’ve accomplished, with some real challenges, and that’s something I should feel good about and that I should not let start going down the drain at this last crucial moment.
I guess part of the fatigue is the fear of the unknown, and part of what I’m afraid may be hidden in that unknown is the lack of an end to this road that I’m on right now. Part of me feels like these are moments to savor, this relative freedom where the little money I earn is mine (I’m not married and I don’t have kids – I don’t have to share), my alone time is mostly mine because I live alone and again, don’t have kids… These are precious moments. Granted, I’m not entirely sure if I will have children eventually, but it’s a possibility.
I’m just tired all the time. So I sometimes feel like these precious moments are going to waste. I don’t have a car, and I don’t have the energy or the time to pursue activities and interests like I would if I did have more time or resources. I guess those are things I’ve hopefully worked the last 6 years in college for, though. Hopefully one day I’ll have a healthier level of time and resources. That would be great.
So I’m proud that I’ve worked hard for that possibility. But … there’s this lingering anxiety about… can it happen? I think a lot of my fear comes from what I’ve seen in my life, and what I’ve been through already. I’ve seen my mother and my family struggle a lot… most of our lives. Somehow, I want to break that trend. I don’t want to struggle anymore. I want the struggle to end. I know everyone has hard times… I know life is tough for all of us. And I know I’m blessed in so many ways, I really shouldn’t complain as much as I am right now. But just because others have it worse doesn’t make my problems and concerns invalid. They are very real, to me. The worry and fear that I will never feel completely comfortable or secure or satisfied is real.
I made a post a while back about an existential crisis I was going through. That has passed, and has been replaced in part by logical concern/worry, and partly by apathy. “Whatever happens, happens.” I know that’s not a healthy way of approaching life. But I also get fatigued by my own efforts. My own lack of a clear direction, a clear goal, and the constant, constant search for that direction, that goal… is so tiring.
I guess I just want a break. I want some slack. Hopefully it’s just around the corner.