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Retrospect and Real-time Assessments

Humans are highly adaptable. It’s easy to forget this, when you leave your cell phone at home and feel your mind keep reaching into your pocket for something that isn’t there, for example.

Sometimes I like to challenge myself to adapting to new things. I’ve had to adapt, out of necessity, many times in my life – moving a lot does that. My latest “challenge” has been adapting to living alone in my first place.

Four months in, and I’m a little surprised at how quick the transition seems to have happened. Maybe I’m just comfortable in limbo these days, but my new place actually feels pretty homey. And my mother’s house I lived at three years prior to being here, and that town, it all feels so…. far away. After only four months. Maybe it’s because when you live alone, you really get the opportunity to grow into yourself. You settle into a place in yourself that is real, and comfortable, and you. Maybe it’s part of growing up, and identifying less with things outside of yourself and becoming more confident and self-asured. But I’m only 25, almost 26… Seems a little young yet for that much self-comfort, right? Maybe.

I’m not sure what it is. But I feel like a visitor in the town that I lived in for 3 years, and I feel comfortable where I am now. I’m happy to be on my own. I was made for this kind of living. Quiet. Solitude. Mundane chores. Spending my time with only the people I care for the most. Focusing on work and myself. I’m not really sure what more I could want out of life, except for more resources (read: money) to travel and explore the world, like being able to go on camping, backpacking, and kayaking trips. I’d like that.

Since moving on my own my relationship with my mom has improved. I miss my sister a lot – I knew I would miss my family, but I underestimated how much I would miss my sister. I over estimated the negative impact the move would have on mine and my boyfriend’s relationship. For the most part we have been fine. If anything, in some ways I think it has strengthened our relationship. And friends have fallen away, which I feel at times is kind of unfortunate, but at the same time I see it as an opportunity. You learn who your true friends are, and it’s surprising. People I care about but are so far from me stay in touch and reach out and we have a good, authentic connection. And others who are so nearby have come to feel more like strangers. Either way, it’s okay. It’s just interesting how things are sometimes. There are those people you connect with on a certain level… you slip into conversation with them about your fears, worries, hopes, beliefs, and you’re happy to listen to theirs… you seek out time with them, no matter how long its been… and the knowledge of that wanting creates a connection even through space and time. And then, someone you spend a lot of time with, that’s sitting right next to you, that you see often, that you try to talk with, there’s just a big disconnect. Humans are weird like that. Complex and confusing and beautiful.

I’m at a weird place in my life right now. But I’ve said that at each place I’ve been. Each new place feels kinda weird. By the time it gets comfortable things shift again. That’s okay too. I’ve got big decisions to make. But I think it’s important to remember: the little choices add up to, in unexpected ways, meanwhile the big ones turn out sometimes to be inconsequential. And it’s all in how you deal with the results anyway. Anything could happen. I could make the best possible choice and everything could still go wrong. People make “bad” choices and make them work somehow, though, even to their advantage. It’s an attitude, a mindset. I’m resilient. Sometimes I don’t really feel that way, but it’s something I tell myself a lot. Especially when I’m afraid. The scarier thing, though, is that I can also be relentless, and sometimes the thing I’m scared of the most is myself. I get so confused. Complicate things. Make bad assessments, judgements, assumptions. Those real-time things that end up mattering down the road. Sometimes I can fuck those up.

Whatever.

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