I stopped washing my face several months back and noticed a positive change in my skin. Then, more recently, I started wearing a lot less makeup and again I noticed a positive change. The reason for wearing less makeup over the past week or so has been because I’ve been spending more time at my boyfriend’s house and with my boyfriend. Sometimes when he sees me putting on makeup he comments that he thinks I look fine without it or that I look better without it. Sometimes I think it’s a ploy to get me to not do something that he might think is a waste of time, but I think he honestly also thinks I look just fine without it. And he’s kind of started to convince me… I started not worrying too much about getting makeup on my face after sleeping over at his place, and even going out and about for the day with just a touch either left over from the day before (remember, I stopped washing my face) or from a little concealer I might have with me. 

This morning I left his house and came home to get ready for work. Even in my bathroom’s offensive lighting, I thought I looked beautiful without a stitch of makeup on. 

I started wearing makeup my sophomore year of college. During high school I was extremely anti-establishment and anti-mainstream and anti-society. I had dreadlocks, my clothes never matched and I thought it was fabulous, I never watched TV or listened to the radio, and I didn’t smoke weed, do drugs, or drink very much because everybody WAS doing it (plus it seemed stupid). All this anti-shit shit meant I also never wore makeup. At the very most I would put on a little blush, and since 7th grade or so I ALWAYS curled my eyelashes. Not curling my eyelashes feels to me the same as not wearing pants or undies out of the house. 

But my second year of college, after six years, I cut off my dreadlocks. I had also gained a little weight from my 116 pound tiny self when I graduated high school, to around 140 pounds. Maybe if I were still very thin I wouldn’t have done this, but something about having what basically amounted to a buzz cut for a while and having a few extra pounds on me… I felt unfeminine. My first serious boyfriend was going to be coming from across the country to live with me just a few weeks after I cut my hair, and I felt self-conscious… So I started playing with makeup. Maybe that would make me feel more feminine. 

It didn’t really make me feel all that more feminine, but it did soon do my skin a good deal of harm. Soon I felt like I HAD to wear makeup. Never before did I feel this way. But now my skin seemed fucked up some how so I had to wear makeup to cover it up and divert the attention away. Even after these skin woes began after I started wearing makeup, my then-boyfriend would tell me that he too thought I looked better without it, “I dunno, you just seem more yourself without it. It’s not you, Liv.” He was right. He never did convince me though. I would get aggravated with him when he’d bring it up. My current boyfriend, maybe because he’s more gentle about it and kind, he’s convinced me somehow, at least a little bit…

So I came home today without makeup on and saw this person looking at me in the mirror that I haven’t seen since high school. I’m almost what psychologists would consider a “middle aged adult” (25 years old) but somehow I still have a little bit of chub in my cheeks. It’s more apparent without makeup on my face. My whole face looked brighter and innocent and organic and REAL. I felt so content and at home, seeing that face again. I miss her. I think I’ll keep her around this time.



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